I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
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Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Are these grass-fed oranges?
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.