flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
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CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!