WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
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6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware