can’t believe I got front row seats
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If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone