Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
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There’s always that one guy
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.