“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
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I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
#NoRestForTheWicked
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
Chicken bread
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.