So creative 😂
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Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.