Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
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I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Body by Oreos
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer