*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
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No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
thinking about a very short hotdog
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*