Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
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[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
This hospital has everything
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.