Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
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I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
your honor my client chooses dare
#SCOTUS one-star review
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*