I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
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if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.