i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
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“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.