[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
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Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.