date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
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I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
How to woo a woman
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe