Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
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This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
“I FIXED IT!”
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
rise and shine we got egg
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
You can’t rush stupid.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.