Just a phase…
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relationship goals
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
But is it really??
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY