You Might Also Like
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.