Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
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How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”