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Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Guilty! 🤪
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what