I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
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[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what