If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
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A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Order here:
More here:
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Jogging has never helped my memory.