trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
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I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.