Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
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A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
😂😂
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
lost dog
So sick of all these stupid rules
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer