ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
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my one true gender
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.