guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
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YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.