What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
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[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
Ah yes. The three genders
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.