You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
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I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
There’s no “u” in narcissist
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.