GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
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“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
Aight bet
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
Ugh but profoundly
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Seek kebab; not attention
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*