They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
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The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*