Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
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Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
and now we wait
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5