[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
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Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme