Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
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Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
I could NOT have put it better myself.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
The dark side of Canada
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school