[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
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A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
How to draw a duck
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that