Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
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Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”