gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
You Might Also Like
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
#damn
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no