A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
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My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no