therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
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Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now