I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
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I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this