King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
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How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.