My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
You Might Also Like
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though