After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
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I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.