hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
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Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
j o i m p
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?