I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
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I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect