ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
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the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Mornin
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”