“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
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nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.