The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
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[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect