*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
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Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now