DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
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Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
dictator is short for richard potato
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.