Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
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my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.